The One Question to Ask When You’re Facing a Big Life Decision

Key Takeaways

This post is adapted from YNAB’s twice-monthly newsletter, Loose Change.

Some life decisions come with instructions. When you buy a jade plant, a little plastic tag tells you to water twice a week and give it full sun. No guesswork and, let’s be real, any responsibility you have in the plant’s eventual death will go unpunished.

Other choices—like having a child, getting married, or buying a home—come with no tag, no certainty. Just a thousand unknowns. It can be enough to keep you from ever taking the leap.

Several years ago, my wife and I were talking ourselves in circles about whether to have a second child. I was dealing with a physical disability and chronic pain. Our money would evaporate like steam from the shower soon after the paycheck arrived.

After the money was gone, there’d be the familiar anxiety: how are we going to pay for everything right now, let alone with another kid?

Around this time, a friend told me about a support group he’d joined for people considering adopting and raising a child on their own. He was a therapist in his 50s with a decent income, but no benefits and little stability. One member of the group was unemployed and another was undergoing cancer treatment.

Inside the group, they could talk through their concerns without judgment. The liberating aspect of the group was that comfort and certainty were off the table. If you wanted a life with lots of personal time and predictability, this wasn’t your path. But if you wanted a child—and could let go of some comforts—you could find a way. In the end, every member of the group decided to adopt, despite their less-than-ideal circumstances.

If you’re trying to imagine a big life change, try reducing the number of priorities you need to protect. Ask yourself this one simple question:

What one or two conditions need to be met to sustain myself?

For me, the decision came down to two things: time to write, and less financial stress. If I had those, I could imagine saying yes to a second child. Getting clear on that helped cut through the web of worries. Suddenly, I wasn’t fixated on sleeplessness, the mess, or the thousand inconveniences. I just knew I needed space to write and to take a more active role in our finances.

There’s a lot of chaos right now. It’s not just hard for Fortune 500 companies to plan; it’s hard for you. Make it easy on yourself by honing in on your core priorities. Time with your partner? Retiring early? Outfitting yourself with fabulous clothes?

When adversity increases, defining those few priorities can be a lifeline. You’ll realize that with these core priorities protected, you’re more nimble and resilient than you might have imagined.

Worried about money? You’re not alone. Try YNAB for free for 34 days and never worry about money again.

Good With Money: A Look at Real YNABers

Kelsey is a chemistry professor in Virginia who sent us this note about how YNAB helps keep her ion the prize. (Sorry.)

“We were married for five years before YNAB and always hovered around the same savings account amount ($2-4K). The income-to-expense math didn’t add up to why we weren’t saving more. We got YNAB just to figure out where our money was going.
‍
Within a year, we doubled that savings amount after not being able to do that for five years. We weren’t even really trying to save, just tracking our spending. It also helped get us both on the same page with spending, financial goals, and saving which reduced financial arguments. Later, with a boost in income, we were able to fully fund an emergency fund, buy a house, and a car within two years.

YNAB has truly helped our financial health and the health of our marriage. We very rarely argue about finances after using YNAB and, when we do, it’s easily resolved by looking at the plan together and reconnecting with our goals.”
‍
‍#1 thing you’re saving for right now?
‍“Six months’ living expenses.”
‍
‍Top financial dream?
‍“To be debt-free besides our mortgage (small car debt and student loans).”